no more tears

STRESSFUL.

That's the only thing that can describe this day. It's horrible, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster - sad one day, happy the next. It's like I'm always in an extreme - either super sad and upset or super happy. This day wasn't just super sad. It was EXTREMELY sad.

It started in the morning with my host mom (when doesn't it start with my host mom?). I don't really feel like typing everything out, but basically she's crazy. Seriously, I like her but it's like she's bi-polar or something. She tells us one thing one minute and tells us something different the next. Also, she told us that this month she has to do a lot of work and will need to concentrate. The last time that happened, we did everything. We washed the dishes, did the laundry, did all the shopping, and even cooked some of our own dinners. Aren't we paying you to do that? After she talked to us, she asked us to go shopping.  The only reason we did was because she doesn't know how to buy fruit. She buys bananas that are already super ripe and bruised so that they go bad faster. Last time she bought these nasty raspberries and these weird-looking strawberries. Besides that, we've had discussions and problems with the price of us staying here, and this seriously stresses us out. 

P.S. The cats are crazy too. She owns 2, but she lets 3 of the neighbor's cats come and go as they please. At night, there could be 5 cats wandering around. Plus, they don't all get along so they hiss at each other and fight. Right now I'm listening to one of them "singing" or whatever it is they do. Nikki wants the cats to die, and I want to tie them to an anvil and throw them out the window. But I feel like that would cause more problems...

Anyways. This whole week it's raining in Madrid, so that kind of prevents us from going out and doing some things. We went to a cafe by my friend's house to discuss a trip we were planning and to buy the tickets together. The internet was horrible, and for some reason my friend's card wasn't working. My other friend's card wasn't working, so that was a fail. Then we went home. Later on, my friend told me after that, her bank stopped all transactions on her card because they thought it was stolen or something, so she couldn't use it at all. Later on, she finally got it to work. 

Then I Skyped with my parents, where I found out that the apartment that Nikki and I wanted in Isla Vista (UCSB) wasn't available anymore. Someone had taken it. I couldn't think then. I was just thinking to myself, Wow, of course. This is exactly what I needed, something else to go wrong. Maru called us to dinner then, and right before I logged out of Facebook, I got a message from Angela saying that since this morning, the prices of the plane tickets and everything we wanted to reserve had gone up since that morning when we had tried to reserve it. Pretty much, Nikki and I can't go anymore.

After everything that just happened, I wanted to cry. I went to the kitchen, and Maru asked how my parents were. It was then that I broke down. Tears were pouring down my cheeks, my eyes were blood red...I couldn't take it anymore. Maru felt really bad and hugged me and kissed my forehead. When Nikki found out about the apartment, she said that her whole body felt numb.

Since then, it's been hard to do anything. A few of our friends went out to go do stuff at night, but either we weren't invited or were too stressed and tired to go. I feel like a heavy weight is on my chest. The pressure is making me want to cry, but I've cried so much today, I don't think there are any tears left.

And THEN, to top it all off, I realized that I forgot that it was my mom's birthday. I Skyped with her and my dad for at least half an hour, and I never said happy birthday. What kind of horrible daughter am I? I felt so, so bad. I still feel horrible. When I found that out, it made me cry all over again. In fact, I'm crying right now.

Tomorrow's a new day (well technically it is tomorrow...it's 2:40am, but I can't sleep), but right now it stinks. Nikki and I were talking, and we feel so helpless. The last thing I thought I would have to worry about coming to Madrid was housing. Nikki's having problems at home and with her family, and she can't get a hold of them. Everything just seems like it's a mess. Right now, one of our priorities is finding an apartment. We could live in a dirt hole next year, we don't really care anymore. We just need somewhere. If it's cheap, we'll take it.

And if you're reading this and feeling sorry for me, don't. I didn't write this to make you feel sorry for me or to call attention to myself or anything else. I'm simply recording my thoughts and feelings in this public journal of mine. I told you at the beginning, I'd share everything - the good, the bad, and the hideous.

Things will get better. I know they will. But right now everything's dark, and it's super hard to see a light at the end of this tunnel.

i can almost taste it

5 finals and 1 paper down.

1 paper to go.

Finals are FINALLY OVER. The last 2 weeks have been so stressful and horrible. Why is it that everything seems to go wrong at once? I took my last final yesterday, so now I just have to write one more paper due next Tuesday. After that I can finally have my freedom. It's so close, I can almost taste it.

Nikki and I finally worked things out with Maru with housing and everything. Our other friend isn't coming anymore, so we get to stay in our own rooms. Yay! Plus she said she wouldn't charge us extra for having our own rooms so double yay! The last couple of days she's been really great. We don't know why. For a while she was kind of cray-cray, but some kind of switch went off and suddenly she's the way that she was when we first met her (can you say bi-polar?). She's finally actually cooking us food. Tonight though she's being really nice because she invited our little group to our house to eat pizza, rosquillas (donuts), and watch a movie she rented by Almodovar. I'm excited!

It is sad though because not everyone is staying for May. One of my friends left today, and Nery is leaving next Monday :( The great thing is that we all live in California, so we can still visit each other. A few of them live in L.A., one lives in the San Fernando Valley, and another is from Oxnard - let's just say we're going to have a reunion in the summer. A lot of them are from the Bay area too. It's weird saying goodbye to everyone. Everyone's disappearing one by one. Some are going back to the U.S. and some are traveling Europe for the whole month (the rich people...well the ones with rich parents). The things is we're all SO close because we were kind of forced to be. We were all thrust into a new environment, and we all had to adapt together. Because of this, we have a bond that's really special. The majority of my little group is staying for a little while longer, so that's nice. I'm not going to think about it now though. I'm going enjoy the moment and my last month in Madrid. Yay!

Also, for those of who actually read my blogs (thank you, otherwise I'd be talking to myself) and have sent me encouraging emails/messages in response to my depressing posts, thank you! I'm so blessed to have all of you in my life, and I can't wait to see you all again.

Also, I'm desperately craving Mexican and Asian food. Ooh and In-n-out! VANILLA SHAKE AND ANIMAL FRIES. So if any of you like to eat, you should message me when I get back...I'll be hungry :)

half-way done

Day 2 = DONE.

3 finals = DONE.

1 final and 2 papers to go.

I have to say, I feel pretty good for having pulled 2 all-nighters in a row. In the last 2 days I've had 5 hours of sleep. Not too bad I suppose, but I don't know how healthy it is to be awake only because of the caffeine. Today I've had water, a Red Bull, and 4 cups of coffee...yeah...

On Monday I had my Siglo de Oro final. We had to write 2 essays, and we had 2 short answer questions. Truth be told, I didn't really study for that final at all. I never completed all of the readings, and I only read parts of them and knew the overviews. However, when I was reviewing last minute, to my surprise, I KNEW EVERYTHING. Of course, I didn't know absolutely every little detail, but I knew the material. Why? I went to class. I only missed one class, and the one class I did miss I got the notes from Nery. This was my favorite class with my favorite professor, and I participated in the discussions. I didn't get 100%, but I know I didn't fail either. Usually when I'm this confident, I actually fail so...I'm just going to stop now.

When I got home from the final yesterday, I took a 4 hour nap from 9pm-1am. I literally spent the entire night studying for my final for Literatura hispanoamericana. Surprisingly, I stayed awake, was focused, and remembered everything that I studied. Today I started studying for my Lengua final at 9:30ish, and I had my test at 12:30. It went okay...I didn't ace it, but I didn't fail it either. At least, I hope I didn't.

An hour later I took my hispanoamericana final, which was writing 2 essays. Although this final was open book and open note, I still stayed up the whole night studying for this. Sometimes the open book ones are the hardest. I really really want an A in this class. I had been lazy with the readings after the midterm, so I had to catch up, but I did it! The first essay I knew right away. I can pretty much say I aced that one. The second one I had to pull an English major and make up half the stuff, but I think it sounded pretty good!

So those are over. Now I have a paper and a final due this Thursday and another paper due next Tuesday. I also have to turn in my cuento tonight by midnight.

Did this week stink? Yes. But on the bright side, it's about half-way over.

Also you here's a video that my mom had sent me last week. Mommy, you have NO idea how many times I listened to this or how it helped me get through finals. It's a cover of a Hillsong song by a Filipino guy (mhmm that's right!) whose dad apparently went to school with my mom in the Philippines. I personally think his version is absolutely beautiful. If you like Christian Bautista (or know who he is...), you'll like him. Just click play and enjoy! :)

P.S. In response to my last post, I am better. I am still stressed, but I don't think I can feel anything but caffeine at the moment...

Still by Hillsong - cover by Marvin Ong

madness

I have never felt so much stress during finals week - especially since NONE of my stress has ANYTHING do to with finals. If you don't notice this, in this moment I am extremely angry and stressed. I found out that I have one final tomorrow instead of two (yay), but that means that now I have 2 finals and a paper the next day (worse). Honestly in this moment, I don't care at all about finals. You don't even know, this day has been so up and down for Nikki and me, so much so that I don't care about my grades anymore. Compared to what we're dealing with, it seems so ephemeral and useless.

We talked to our host mom about what it would cost to stay here in May, since we know we're supposed to pay her weekly. It would cost about 550 euros, which isn't a bad price if you think about it since it includes breakfast, dinner, and laundry and stuff. Nikki and I will move into her big room and be roommates while our friend Zee (actually also from UCSB) will take my single. She's going to pay 300 euros for her stay here (and she stays until June 15th - almost 2 weeks after us), except without the food and she would need to do her own laundry. We had been trying to negotiate a deal with Maru about that since the beginning, but she wouldn't have it before. We've helped her cook and clean her house, and then Zee barely comes and she's making deals with her right away? That annoyed us.

Since then, Nikki and I were thinking that she was getting the better deal. We'd rather do our own food thing because the difference is 250 euros, and we would be gone part of May anyways, traveling and doing day trips. Today we told her we were interested in the 300 euro deal, and she seemed annoyed or angry? I don't know what to call it. She told us that if we do that, we can't even touch the kitchen. We tried to negotiate the use of the stove but she said no. It's all or nothing. She told us we can't use the microwave, the stove, or keep things in the fridge. We were like that's inconvenient, but that's okay. Then she told us we can't even keep food in our rooms. She said that it would be like her house is a hostel for us, and it would be better and less awkward if we went to a hostel for a month than treat her house like a hostel and have that relationship with her. So basically, we have no choice.

Also, in the beginning I thought it was 500 euros, not 550, so it was 50 more euros than I thought. I have to take it out of my savings, which is okay I suppose, it just means I'll be spending my days watching TV on my laptop or reading in the park instead of taking as many day trips. All this happened this morning right in the middle of when Nikki and I were studying for our finals tomorrow. We got up at 7am to study, and this happened at like 11am. Since then, we've been angry and stressed out. I've been thinking about this instead of thinking about finals. It's hard not to.

I don't know if I had to tell you all this, but this blog is about my life here in Spain, and this is what is happening in my life right now. We're worried about having time to study for finals and do papers, stressed about money, stressed about our housing situation in Santa Barbara (this is a big one), upset at our host mom...let's just say Nikki and I have spent a good part of this day either stewing in anger or crying because of everything just overwhelming us. We want to go home. We're done.

So what to do now? Study. My final isn't until 10am, so I have 7 hours to study. What does that mean? Coca Cola, coffee, Red Bull, and tea, in that order.

Let the madness commence.

prayer request

It's 7am here. Tomorrow I have 2 finals. The next day I have a final and an essay. The next day I will spend the whole time doing another essay for Thursday, when I will have another final. Then I will work on my last essay due a couple days after that. I have to pay my host mom for the month of May. I need to exercise. I don't have time to exercise because I need to study. I feel fat. I feel flat and bloated. I have to pay for my trip to Italy. I have to make sure the place we're staying in Italy is reserved. I need a place to stay in SB next year. I need to make sure we really want the apartment we're looking at. We can't physically look at it because we're in Spain. We need to grab it before someone else does. I've been annoyed with my host mom, I don't want to be in the house. I need to study. I need to get good grades because my parents will kill me. I have no motivation whatsoever.

Those are the thoughts running around in my head right now. The thing is, school is the thing that's giving me the least stress out of all of these. It's the money problems and the problems with my host mom that's making me cry and go crazy. I can't even count how many times Nikki and I have cried because of the stress. Those things seem so big that school and these little final tests seem so small in the scheme of things. I find myself thinking, Why should I care about these tests? What does it matter? Even if I get an A, I may not have money. Then I can't eat and I'll starve and die. Who cares about an A if you know you're going to die?

Not dramatic at all, right? Because I'm NEVER dramatic. (That was sarcasm for those of you don't know me well enough.) I know I won't starve, obviously, and I know God will work everything out in the end, but I can't help stressing about it. I think I transferred all my stress from finals into the running out of money/Maru situation. So right now I sit here on my computer typing this blog, trying to make myself study for my 2 finals tomorrow. I don't even have any motivation to drink the cup of coffee beside me. I'd rather just sit in the chair and stare at the wall (which is what I did 10 minutes ago actually).

So if you read this blog anytime soon, please pray for me. I'm saying my favorite Bible verse to myself and praying, but it's taking a while to kick in. In the middle of my prayers, I start thinking about other stuff because I'm worried and I end up forgetting what I'm praying about. Ironic, right? Well I'm gonna go take a shower and hopefully clear my head or wake myself up or something. I don't know, I have to do something.

Well thanks for listening to me rant :) Only one more week and I never have to go to Carlos III again. Right now, I'm ready to go back to SB. I'm ready to go home.

finals week

It has finally happened. Our program is ending. It seems like just yesterday that we were just starting the program and meeting each other - seriously, the time has gone by SO fast. This past week has been on the toughest. I knew it would be, but I'm glad it's finally over. Because it was the last week of classes, all of the homework that the professors didn't assign because we were behind was due, all of our reading had to be done, and we had to present our topics for our essays. For 3 nights in a row, I got 2 hours of sleep every night. I didn't even sleep in my bed. Instead I slept on the couch so that it would be easier to get up early to study again. I didn't eat much because I was stressed, and drank water, tea, coffee, Coca Cola, and Red Bull - all in one night. I know, I know...really unhealthy right? Well it helped me stay awake, and I finished everything I had to do. Last night I finally got to sleep in so I slept from 9pm-9am - and it felt amazing! Today it's raining again (it seems like every finals week it rains, even in UCSB - what's wrong with this world?), so Nikki and I are going to go to this bookstore/cafe in down the street to study and hopefully get some stuff done.

Well, before I go study my head off, I wanted to share a poem that I read by accident in my readings for Siglo de Oro. When I say by accident, I meant that I wasn't supposed to read it...it wasn't assigned for the reading, but it ended up being my favorite!

I'm going to write it in Spanish because if you translate it, it becomes uglier and it sounds like Yoda is saying it (although you can Google translate it to understand it). Basically, it's about the Shepherd and the lost sheep, hence the photo at the top. I hope you like it :)

Letrilla XIX 

by Luis de Góngora

Oveja perdida, ven

sobre mis hombros, que hoy

no sólo tu pastor soy,

sino tu pasto también.

Por descubrirte mejor

cuando balabas perdida,

dejé en un árbol la vida

donde me subió el amor;

si prenda quieres mayor,

mis obras hoy te la den.

Oveja perdida, ven

sobre mis hombros, que hoy

no sólo tu pastor soy,

sino tu pasto también.

Pasto al fin hoy tuyo hecho,

¿cuál dará mayor asombro,

o el trarte yo en el hombro,

o el traerme tú en el pecho?

Prendas son de amor estrecho

que aun los más ciegos las ven.

 

Oveja perdida, ven

sobre mis hombros, que hoy

no sólo tu pastor soy,

sino tu pasto también.

hosanna

I don't have anything that I want to say at the moment, but I just think you should listen to these songs. The end.

Hosanna by Hillsong

His Glory Appears by Hillsong
(I personally think the Spanish version is prettier)

blood, sweat, and tears...and a happy ending

You don't know how excited I was to use this title. For the first time, it can perfectly describe how my day went yesterday.

The day started off with me sleeping in, which is something that never happens during the school year. Since we're in Semana Santa, I can do that. BUT. When I woke up, I checked my Facebook messages first thing - since that's how people usually contact me here. I had a message about some housing problems back in UCSB. Long story short - I found out I didn't have a home or roommates my last year at SB. That was pretty much the worst way to wake up.

Next, Nikki and I went to the store to buy some groceries. Maru is a wonderful host mom, but lately she's been really lazy. We understand she has problems with her back and has been sick, but she's been sending us on every errand. First we helped her move her furniture around upstairs (which we didn't mind too much), but then she wanted us to find power cords from a Chinese store. We never found the store, which was annoying. Then we went to the busy market to buy our food. The only good thing about grocery shopping for her is that we can get whatever brands and whatever food we want.

Well after all that shopping, we were both pretty annoyed. Then we finally had the chance to go running in Retiro. Usually we separate and meet up at a certain time. On the Metro ride over, I thought about my housing situation more and more. The more I thought about it, the more frustrated I got that all this was happening in SB while I'm halfway across the world, where I can't control anything. So by the time we got to Retiro, I was ANGRY.

We went in opposite directions, and I RAN. I literally ran as fast as I could. I ran around 1 side of the park before I started feeling lightheaded. I stopped, and I was breathing really hard. I thought of the housing stuff and the stress of that day, which made me think of money problems and the stress of possibly finding a job in the summer or even running out of money while I'm here. I began to feel overwhelmed, and I began to cry. My nose started running at first, but when I reached up to wipe it, my hands came away with blood.

I didn't have any tissues with me or anything, only my iPod, so I sat down on the grass with one hand pinching my nostrils, and the other putting pressure on the bridge of my nose. So there I sat for 10 minutes, sweating, crying, and bleeding. I didn't know what to do, and then I saw the solution. My sock. I pulled off my sock and used it to stop the bleeding. Good news: it soaked up the blood like a sponge. Bad news: now I'm missing a sock.

I walked back to the meeting spot, and my hands were covered in blood. I looked like I had just murdered someone.

After thinking, talking, and praying a little, I knew in the back of my mind that everything would be okay. I knew that Nikki didn't have a place to live next year either, so I asked her what her plans were. In the end, guess who's going to be my roommate in SB next year? Nikki :)

I was really happy that everything worked out in the end. I'm not mad, and I'm not frustrated anymore. Well, I am a little frustrated that I have to apartment hunt and pick one that we're not even going to get to see or visit. Oh well. Also, after talking to my parents on Skype, I felt a lot better, and I'm thankful for their help and presence in all of this too.

I'm excited for what next year has in store!