homesick

I'm over it. I want to go back home.

That's how I'm feeling right now. I know I just got here, and that Spain will take some time getting used to, but this is a blog to show I'm feeling right now...not how I should be feeling. So here I go.

First of all, I feel like there's something missing. I don't know what it is, but I feel off...weird somehow. It's probably because I need Jesus or something, but whatever...

Second, my stomach is always hurting in some way. Either my stomach isn't used to the food (I went to a Bible study and they had Chinese food = stomachache), or I don't eat lunch. I have no idea how much money I should be spending. The exchange rate between the dollar and euro is better than it has been, but it's still horrible. I don't know what kind of budget I'm working with or how much I have to spend...so for now I'd rather be a little hungry than run out of money. That happened the last time I was in Europe...not good.

Third, Spain makes me feel stupid. I have this thing where I'm nervous around Spanish-speakers. I don't know why, but I need to know that the grammar will be correct before I say something. When I speak to someone, I'm instantly intimidated and say things wrong anyway. Sometimes it takes so long to think of what to say that I pause, and they repeat themselves because I pause for too long. I understood them perfectly, but suddenly I forget how to say, "Yes, I understood you." I know I can speak Spanish better than this, but for now my Spanish is absolutely horrible. Like today, my professor was speaking to me and I forgot how to say nine. NINE.

Fourth, to make friends, you need to be social. Here, social = going out at night/clubbing. I like going dancing, it's a lot of fun! I wouldn't want to go every day though. Here, everyone goes out every night from Thursday night to Sunday night, going bar-hopping or clubbing. I don't have money for that. Sometimes I just want to sit at home and do nothing. but if I did that, I wouldn't have friends. Problem.

Fifth, there's no gym. Sad.

Also, why does everyone have a million dollars?? It seems like everyone wants to travel every weekend. I'd like to do that too, but I don't have that kind of money. I actually want to take the harder classes with a ton of reading so I will have something to do while everyone else is traveling.

Lastly, I miss friends who are content doing nothing. With some friends, I can sit with them for hours, doing nothing, saying nothing, and it's not awkward or boring. I feel like everything here is go, go, go. There's the feeling that we're in Spain, and we should be taking advantage of every second, since our parents (or financial aid) are paying thousands of dollars for us to be here. They didn't pay that money for us to lay down on our beds in the middle of Madrid and do nothing...well that's the feeling I get.

I know I'm blessed to be here. I had so many doors close to have one finally open. But I'm scared. I'm scared I'll let my parents down because they paid thousand of dollars for nothing...or that I misunderstood the program and either might have to go home early or pay some more money (which actually may have happened by the way...). either way, it's more money.

Who invented money anyway?