down in the dumps

1/16/11

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this alone. I’m surrounded by the people in my program (well, strangers) but I feel like I’m starting to distance myself. I think I just need to get used to this temporary new life, but right now I just want to lay down on my bed and sleep. To be honest, I have no desire to be best friends with them. I feel super uncomfortable because of the language barrier and have hardly spoken any Spanish yet. I have no desire to connect with any of my peers, and I just found out that most of the people asked to have a roommate while I requested to be alone.

                When I was in the Trek, I was in a host home unexpectedly by myself which forced me to be braver and try the language, and it turned out to be one of my best experiences. But this is now. It’s a different country on the other side of the planet, 5 months longer than the Mexico trip, and I know absolutely no one.

This all reminds me of orientation in the Trek, when we learned different way in how a person can respond to a situation, specifically immersion into a new culture. It didn’t feel like it applied to me then because I felt comfortable. I knew Haley and Shayne, and it was only 6 weeks. Also, everyone thought I was Mexican so I could blend into the background. I’m in Spain until June 2^nd. I feel like I’m forcing myself to go as far outside my comfort zone as possible, and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. The downside to not having a roommate is that I won’t be as close to the people in my group, and I have to find my way to the University from Madrid alone at 7am in the morning – and here it is pitch black at that time. I wanted to be alone with a host family because I wanted to be close to them – and I don’t think I can do that the same way with another person. Plus sometimes I think I work better alone. As far as studying, there’d be no distractions. I’d have more freedom to do stuff I want – go to church or attend a Bible study.

                What I miss most: a Christian community. This is literally the first time that I haven’t been surrounded by Christians or had at least 1 or 2 Christian friends. I’ve had that my entire life, and it has suddenly been stripped from me. Maybe that’s why I feel so alone and weird. I mean, I know God’s always there and everything. It’s just that I forget sometimes because I can’t see or physically touch Him. Hopefully I can connect with GBU (the Spanish InterVarsity) because I seriously need at last 1 other person. I had prayed for a Christian host family and asked for one on the paper, but I don’t know if that’s possible. In my mind I concocted a perfect host family – it would be a young married couple who are heavily involved in their church. They would be worship leaders in their church and would have a piano in the living room. They would love visitors, the woman would be glad to teach me how to cook, and they would take me to a Real Madrid game.

                Silly, isn’t it? I know I’m setting up expectations that are way too high, but I can dream can’t I? Right now as I type this I’m sitting at a wooden desk in the dark with only a small lamp to light my keyboard, and listening to my iPod while Madeleine and her best friend take a nap before dinner. The funny (or pathetic – whatever you want to think) thing about all this is that this has been my happiest moment so far. I’m writing. I’m talking to God. I’m listening to music. I’m doing what I love.

                Some of you may think I’m a baby and may say, “Ohmygosh you’re so lucky, stop complaining, I want to punch you right now.” I don’t really care. This blog is for me as much as it is for you. It is a place where I will share about and record my trip to Europe – which includes all my emotional and spiritual stresses. I actually have time to blog (unlike my Mexico trip), so what I type will not always be all happy-go-lucky. I want this blog to be real, and I’m sorry if I rant or bore you. Actually, I don’t even know if anyone is going to read this, but in my mind it is a place where I can work out my thoughts and emotions. Writing is how I can let go. Some of my writings will be sad, some mad, furious, excited, boring, spiritual, emotional. Real.

                Welcome to my blog.