dark days

Last week was probably the worst week I've had on this trip. Fake companies. Midterms. Loneliness. Those things can pretty much describe most of it. Let me explain.

Fake companies. So about a month ago, me and three of my friends had plans to visit Paris for a weekend - this coming weekend actually. My friend Ariel has a friend in Paris who had studied abroad at UC Riverside, and he was going to visit him and he invited the rest of us. Well, Ariel had a ticket, and so did I. I bought a ticket through this travel agency that was fairly cheap, and I was so excited. My friends Angela and Nikki wanted to go as well, but for some reason they weren't buying their tickets and were hesitating. I literally found the tickets for them, and all they had to do was type in their info. Then all 4 of us had tickets to go to Paris! Exciting right? Until about a week ago. I was checking my bank transactions online like I do sometimes (to make sure everything is okay), and I noticed that there was no transaction for my plane ticket. I went to the airline and typed in my confirmation number. It didn't exist. I tried again, and it kept coming up as an error. I started to panic then. I gave the number of the airline to Maru (my host mom), and she called them for me while I was at school. Turns out, my confirmation number wasn't valid. I don't know if the agency was fake (which I think it was) or if they didn't reserve my ticket or the payment never went through...I don't know. All I knew at the moment was that I didn't have a ticket to Paris, and to get a plane ticket for the times I wanted a week before the actual trip would be nearly impossible. I discussed everything with my dad, and he told me I could still try to find a plane ticket, my limit being about $150. Every single day that week, I checked literally 10 different websites in the morning before school, during school, and at night when I got home. At the end, I gave up. Every flight I found started out with a fair price and then skyrocketed once they added the online fees. Plus, the cheapest flights were to Orly airport, and all my friends have tickets to Charles de Gaulle. I'd have to find a way to get from my airport to the hostel or de Gaulle by myself in the middle of the night. No way.

What made things worse was thinking about how the others weren't even going to go, and I pretty much found their tickets for them, but mine was the one that didn't work. However, after thinking about it I decided to stop being a baby. Maybe it wasn't God's will for me to go to Paris. I mean, technically I've been there before, although it was with a tour group and I never got to SEE Paris...just the touristy side where all the Parisian people hate you. Also when I went my sophomore year of high school, our lovely tour guide never took us to the Eiffel Tower in the daytime = no good pictures of the Eiffel Tower. She only took us at night where 95% of my pictures didn't turn out and we couldn't see anything from the top. Still, the others have never ever been to Paris, so it's important that they go. We're so close to France, they absolutely have to see Paris. In the end, I'm content with how things turned out. I mean, I am in Madrid. I am a little disappointed, but it'll give me a chance to rest that weekend and save some money. I did make them promise to eat a crepe for me though ;)

Midterms. We just started our couple weeks of midterms. First of all, yuck. Second of all, WHERE DID THE TIME GO?? I just got here, and I'm already halfway done??? Well I'm fine with midterms, technically they're just a review of what I already learned. It's just harder because I'm taking all the Spanish literature classes, which is a lot of reading, but it's what I love to do. Still, I had two midterms back-to-back for my two hardest classes. On Wednesday, I had my midterm for Literatura hispanoamericana which has interesting readings, although my professor is super boring in this class. Our midterm was to write 2 essays, which is standard for a lit class. I studied hard for that class, waking up at 5:15am to study in the mornings after sleeping at about midnight. It was open notes which was cool, but we still have to write in Spanish and make it sound good. My other midterm was for Literatura del Siglo de Oro, where I have the biggest reader I've ever had in my life - even bigger than the ones at SB. Apparently it's the class with the most reading and is super hard for people that just like to breeze their way through. However, it has one of the best professors I've ever had, and he's the main reason why I'm still taking that class, even if it is my only Monday class (and I could have had a 4 day weekend). I had my first midterm at 5:45 Wednesday evening and my next midterm at 10:45 the next day. It wasn't so bad, except for the fact that I had homework for my other classes as well. I had a short essay due for my Cine class at 11pm the evening after my first midterm, I had to write a one page article for my Lengua class, and I also had readings for my other lit class, Cuento. While all this stress was going on, that was when I realized that my Paris ticket wasn't valid. Needless to say, I was pretty miserable. The whole week I was simultaneously studying/doing homework and looking for cheap tickets. You won't believe the relief I felt after my Siglo de Oro midterm. The next day felt AMAZING.

Loneliness. With everything that went on, I suddenly felt this overwhelming loneliness. It was a different kind than what I felt my first day here. Last time, I had no friends, but I had God. This time it was the other way around. I have incredible friends here, and I love them to death already even though I've only known them for 2-3 months. Then again, we spend so much time together, we're kind of forced to get to know each other. Anyways. After I found out about Paris, that's when the loneliness hit. I don't care if it sounds pathetic or whatnot, it's what I felt. I kept thinking to myself that the others were going to have so much fun without me, and that I would miss everything they were going to see. I had even searched online and made a list of about 15 free things we could see and do in Paris. I started to think that even though I had made that list, I couldn't enjoy anything on it. I felt that plus the stress from midterms, and I started stressing out about money, panicking and thinking I won't have enough. For a while, I didn't want to eat lunch because I wanted to save money. I'd be hungry, but who cares? It seems like that's the only way I could save money. At that point, everything was hitting me all at once, and I just sat on my bed and cried. I felt so helpless and alone. I was confused because I can't remember that last time I felt this way. It felt different. Then I realized what was missing.

Where was God in all this? I asked myself, when was the last time I talked to God? Read my Bible? Really really prayed? I glanced at my Bible sitting there, just like it has been for the past couple months. Then God brought me the song "All I Have Is Christ" by Sovereign Grace Music that I had first heard at Resolved, a conference that my church hosts every June in Palm Springs. I don't know why, but as I listened to that song, I felt like He was speaking directly to me. It was the second verse that hit me though. When I heard the phrase "indifferent to the cross," I started to bawl (but softly because Maru was asleep). Every time after that when I listened to that song, I cried. I still cry when I hear it. That night, I had a nice long chat with Jesus. The next morning, I cracked open my Bible and started to read Galatians...and then I Corinthians because I couldn't decide which one I wanted to read.

After that, my stress was still there, but it was significantly less than what had plagued me before. I felt calm. I felt a peace that I have not felt for quite some time, and it felt like a cool wave washing over me.

God is awesome. That's just the end of it all. If I ever forget that, I'll just read this blog again, remind myself of what a nitwit I am, and remember why I'm on this earth in the first place.

Hallelujah, all I have is Christ. Hallelujah, Jesus is my life.